Wasnt Always Confident ..


You will have noticed that I have mentioned some of the things that help me feel self confident.

It’s something (somewhat) newly acquired. I wasn’t always self confident, I’ve WORKED damn hard to get to where I am! It’s still something I have to work for (and on) every day. Self love is hard work, especially when you’re prone to focusing on the negatives in life, and let’s face it – giving in to the darkness is all too easy! Purposely, I need to consciously put the effort into seeing the beauty around me, the beauty within me.

I’ve been with my (now) Husband for the past 13 years, this year. I can recall spending weekends at his house and NOT ONCE doing a poo until I got back to MY house! I would refuse to have sex in the day time, I wouldn’t let him see me naked, ever! I never wore flesh baring clothing, the shortest pair of shorts I had were knee length; the shortest skirt I owned was knee length .. I wouldn’t wear a bikini and if I did I covered it with an oversized shirt and a pair of male board shorts .. I was so insecure within myself! I NEVER was caught without makeup! I wouldn’t eat, I would starve myself and allow only one day a week where I would eat; and on my eating day, I would binge. I was so insecure. (This did change, I was essentially forced to eat at his house on weekends haha)

I would never jump in photos (this was well before the selfie obsession took over the world!) I don’t have many photos of myself as a preteen or a teen .. I have photos from about 19 onwards – one of my biggest ‘regrets’ in a way.

For years I would dream of my (now) Husband cheating on me, I would always be thinking he was on the lookout for something better; I thought very little of myself. I would go through his phone and try to find evidence of his cheating (he would only ever work and go home), I changed his MSN settings so all his conversations were saved into a secret folder .. I would always point out attractive girls to see how he looked at them in comparison to myself – I would feel jealous and paranoid if we even watched a tv show or movie with an attractive woman in it .. even god damn animated characters would make me feel bad about myself! Absolutely, NO JOKE!!

After a while, the both of us talked and decided we weren’t going to use protection during sex; instead we were going to try for a baby. I fell pregnant (I will NEVER forget his reaction when we took the positive pregnancy test!!) His reaction was thee best .. ‘what does it say? .. My baby is going to have my baby’.

Self esteem during pregnancy took its toll. I HAD to eat every day, otherwise I was sick. I did anything and everything to not put on ‘too’ much weight. (As soon as I delivered our daughter, I went skinner than I was prior to pregnancy, literally as soon as she was out! .. I was stunned and so grateful) I am not sure I would cope being bigger again (there is nothing wrong with it-just how I thought)

Two days before I gave birth to our daughter, I moved into his parents house (where he lived) so it was inevitable having to do a Poo in the house, haha .. I was beginning to get comfortable with having to do a Poo when he was in the same house. I mean, I was going to have to get used to it!

Labour room, my then Boyfriend saw me at my most venerable, I gave birth to his Daughter, he saw everything .. I shat on the table (LOL, Child Birth ain’t Pretty ladies) he saw a baby come out of my Pretty little ladybug. He was amazing in the labour room .. during the entire thing.

I can recall feeling A LOT worse about myself afterwards, I mean, he saw my ladybug stretched and open enough to push a baby out .. I was so much more insecure, thinking he was never going to want to touch me, let alone have sex with me; then the unthinkable happened, during the six week recovery period, he randomly turned to me one day and said ‘fuck, I can’t wait to have sex with you’ .. those words were exactly what I needed to hear. By the end of the sixth week, on the date we had SEX! It was during the day; I let him see me naked after child birth, I began showering with him; I wasn’t self confident, I was just comfortable enough now. After all, anything was better than being in the labour room in THAT state!

We moved into our own home when our daughter was 3 months old, sex was rampant – Day time, Night time – anywhere we wanted, but I wasn’t self confident – I was still thinking he was going to leave me, I still was thinking he was going to cheat on me.

I still thought very little of myself. Not to any fault of his, this was all me. I had ‘conditioned’ myself into thinking I was nothing, I wasn’t worthy of anything let alone happiness.

So, when did this change? I had gone the first 19 years of my life certain that I wasn’t worthy. I lost my job as a Medical Receptionist due to the surgery closing down; I scored a job at a Strip Club as a waitress. Soon; I would become a stripper. This is where my life changed; or rather my perspective on myself.

I didn’t decide to be a stripper because I thought I was good enough, it was purely the money. I love music, I love dancing – this suited me .. I became very good at my job, making great money; my self confidence was growing.

I became a different person. Slowly I began realising I was worthy. I was wanted, desired by more than just my then boyfriend. I wasn’t tempted by anyone else, it just helped me see that I was no where as hideous as I grew up believing. I had something to offer the world. I’ve always known that obtaining self confidence in this industry wasn’t the best thing; but it worked for me. I stayed in the industry for about 5-6 years. I had fun in the industry, met some amazing people.

I am grateful that I decided to go into dancing. It changed my life; it changed my view on myself. I eventually got a breast augmentation (boob job in short) OMG, another life changing decision that changed my life. I got into modelling for Men’s Magazines, got centrefold and front cover, sold images in England and the US and of course Australia – they don’t just put anyone on the front cover or centrefold; but I got it. I even told my photographer that I wasn’t certain the images would sell; but every single shoot did. I didn’t pay to be photographed, but I was paid for my images!

I still have my magazines, ultimate confidence boost. I was seeing myself in another light, I was worthy, I was attractive and I was seeing my self worth.

It got to a stage where I was no longer looking at other women and feeling shitty about myself. I have always been interested in men, however I can also appreciate another woman’s beauty. I love the female body. I would be able to appreciate their beauty, without cutting myself down and absolutely obliterating myself; this was huge. It didn’t happen over night; I think I just began believing what I had been told since I was so young – I don’t know why I couldn’t see or believe it before hand. I wish I knew.

Stripping and being an Men’s Magazine model won’t help everyone; in fact the industry eventually breaks you. I broke a few times. If it weren’t for my supportive Husband; I don’t believe I would be here today. I owe him my life. He not only supported me; he was also a driving force for me to see myself as an independent, strong and worthy woman.

I am grateful that I no longer struggle as badly with my self confidence. I am grateful that my thoughts are mostly under control.

I am worthy of feeling worthy and so are you!

Have you obtained self confidence in an ‘odd’ way? I’d LOVE to hear about it!

Pinterest – https://pin.it/mdjfzpnx7yw3vo

Until the next entry xx (HOPING this post doesn’t publish itself in caps!)



Merry Monday BOOO’s!!

I have successfully SLAYED Monday! I work full time at a place called STRATEGIX Training, a Registered Training Organisation. My role here is a Course Coordinator, I #LOVE my job.

I’ve been working here for about 8 months now; usually by this stage I am hating my professional life, so I’m excited the love my number one thought when I think of work!

I’ve been in the workforce since I was 14 and 9 months old – legal age in QLD, Australia. My first Job was Boost Juice, I didn’t last very long there LOL🤘🏽😅 Next was Check Out at Coles, I was here for about a year, casually. I was also going to school at this stage. I hated working at Coles; I’m overly empathetic and very emotional. The rude customers would leave me physically angered, the sad ones would have me in tears .. the bad customers are always the ones I remember straight away. I was good at this job though, I was fast and my packing skills, EPIC! I would have customers line up at my register purely because they liked how I treated their groceries! I was essentially fired from Coles (LOL) I stopped showing up to shifts – I was young and in love 😅😅

My absolute FAVOURITE job I’ve ever had? I was an Exotic Dancer on and off for about 5 years. Legit, some of the BEST and worst moments in my lifetime HA! I often miss that industry; until I remember the harsh truths of the industry! I often miss my old Boss .. she is a BOSS! Still slaying her business and creating bigger and better opportunities for herself. Considering her reality, she has absolutely smashed the odds!

I worked at a Bank for close to 4 years, LOATH isn’t a strong enough to explain how I felt there. It was absolute HELL, corporate HELL! The politics were absolutely MIND BLOWING! Suffice to say, I will NEVER EVER go back to that industry, I’d rather strip! 👌🏽😂

I’ve worked at a telemarketing company, I lasted two days before quitting! I’ve Waitresses, Medical Receptionist, Customer Service .. I’m sure I am missing a few. Right now, I’m grateful I am enjoying my time at STRATEGIX; especially considering we spend so much time working. I would be content in retiring here, although – something tells me this won’t be my last gig. Who knows ..How many jobs have you had in your lifetime?


Weekend is over .. ✨🤘🏽

I just love blinging my favourite items!! There is something about beautiful, sparkly things. It’s hard for me to explain.

Yesterday, I attacked my iPad Pro case and LED case with beads I had left over from another important event. The end result is AMAZING! ✅ .. As was to be expected!

I used PVA glue to adhere the stones, as I didn’t want to waste any other type of glue – (with stronger glue I run the risk of major damage if and when I want to start again, ie. having to rip them off). Having said this, I never really go back to ‘redo’ anything, I generally start again! 🤘🏽😆 #collector #hoarder

Only took me about 20 minutes to glue on, I let it dry in the sun all day.

I had 4 little stones and 2 big ones left over, so I glued them to my planner – these beads are so meaningful to me; I used them on my wedding dress 💖 Now I get to see them more often on my planner, phone and iPad cases #SPARKLES ✨ Makes me want to use everything more often. I just wanna see it, it’s weird.

There is something about sparkles that just makes me happy on the inside; it brightens my world ✨ My creative world would be dead without glitter, rhinestones, gems, sparkle .. ALL of it! I have always been obsessed with GLITTER!! ✨ I remember being a child and painting my nails silver, then pouring silver glitter over the top; inevitably fit in trouble at school the next day .. I never removed it #REBEL .. no one tells me I can’t have sparkle!

Safe to say I had a productive weekend! Housework complete, a few favourite possessions blinged up! ✨Relaxed, spent time with my Gorgeous family and managed to cook up delicious, healthy meals all weekend, too!

I enjoy my job so don’t mind that it’s Monday tomorrow! #MONSlay I hope you each have a great week ahead! Ima be really productive!


.. Sabotage maybe?

I have no idea what’s going on! 🤦🏼‍♀️

My last post has me utterly confused, as (Hair Brush VS Comb) it’s in CAPS. I have NO idea how to change it, I’ve tried editing a few times but it’s still showing in caps😫👎🏽 (I’m currently on my iPhone.)

This is what appears to be published.

The weird part is the factthat it’s not in capswhen I edit🤷🏼‍♀️. I’m 100% mind fucked at thisstage. What’s its problem?

My edit screen, I have c&p onto another doc and transferred back and reposted but nothing came of it.

Please know, I’m not screaming at you in the posts full of caps, I promise! 😅👍🏽 It’s rather frustrating that it’s displaying something other than what I’d like.

Ive had someone suggest via Facebook not to post in all caps, (this has happened before, a little while ago) I agree, it’s not done on purpose – I just wanted to bring that to your attention! 😃 It’s an error.

I might even jump on my laptop tomorrow and have a play, I’d really like to fix these posts that are in CAPS!👩🏼‍💻 Anyway .. I’m off to bed.

Nigh Night x


🤔 Hair Brush VS Comb ..

🤔 DID YOU KNOW – a Hair Brush is doing damage to your precious locks??

When I jump in the shower and wash my hair, the last thing I knew was that my hair would swell and stretch by as much as 20-30%!! Mind blowing, right? When we get out of the shower, our hair is obviously still wet, we usually towel dry and brush; in doing so, brushing with a hair brush when your hair is wet, can actually snap it like a piece of uncooked spaghetti. The way you’re towel drying could be damaging your hair, too. I don’t want you to continue to damage your hair! 🙅🏼‍♀️ NOT what we want, Ladies! Let’s make a change!

Without regular trims, the split ends travel further up, weakening your hair. The way you’re towel drying your hair and brushing causes disastrous consequences that generally result in the need for a massive chop in order to fix. (Internally dying at the thought 🙄 ARGHH 😖)


To avoid unnecessary breakage from here on out, do yourself a solid and use a COMB rather than a brush. A comb makes it a glorious task removing tangles in dry or wet hair – always remember to work tangles out starting from the ENDS, this makes the job far easier, while offering visible long term results.

💆🏼‍♀️ When you COMB your hair, you’re actually stimulating your scalp and that helps to increase blood flow; The increased circulation caused by combing brings with it more oxygen and nutrients, which nourish the hair roots and PROMOTE hair growth. Can I get a HELL YEAH! Combing also activates the sebaceous gland, which produces sebum (scalp’s natural oil) – healthy and beneficial for your hair.


💆🏼‍♀️Combing my Hair feels soo good! I spend about 5 minutes just running my comb through my hair, feels like a massage and helps to keep your scalp and hair in good health, the way I see it, a healthy scalp equals healthy hair! We ALL should be aiming for a healthier 2018! 💁🏼‍♀️

It’s time to ditch your hair brush Ladies and fall in love with a comb! Below are my favourite types of combs to use. If you have decided to make a switch, let me know in the comments or shoot me an email.


Planning MADNESS!

Hi Ladies 👋🏽

I’m BRAND NEW to the world of Planning; yesterday I received my first KIKKI K planner and I’m BEYOND excited to get using it.

My goal behind this planner is to become more goal orientated, go figure LOL. Seriously, I want to actually achieve the things I tell myself I want to do. If awards were given based off your ability to procrastinate .. I’d probably procrastinate on collecting HAHA! No, but I do certainly put off 99% of what I want to do. Don’t get me wrong, my work ethic is amazing, above expectations, I thrive in the workplace – just not personally. In my own time, I’m lazy and unmotivated. I want to actually change this. I’m sort of hoping a planner will keep me motivate .. does that sound silly?

I LOVE getting creative, I see a lot of planners that look like ‘Organizational Art’ to me!! I love it; I would love to create my own – in fact I can create my own, I will.

I am currently on my way to an appointment – no work for me today. I don’t drive, so I will take the opportunity to write another blog post while I’m on the train. When I’m home later today, I’ll be setting up this week in my KIKKI K planner!! I cannot wait to show you photos of my creations!

Do you use a planner?? If so, I’d love to hear from you!


The holidays are over ..

The dreaded moment your Christmas Holidays come to an end and you must wake your arse, get it out of bed and get ready for work!

I’d meant to keep you updated the past two weeks, but procrastination got the better of me.

Now that the daily grind is back in session, so is my routine.

HUGE Blog post coming this evening!