You will have noticed that I have mentioned some of the things that help me feel self confident.
It’s something (somewhat) newly acquired. I wasn’t always self confident, I’ve WORKED damn hard to get to where I am! It’s still something I have to work for (and on) every day. Self love is hard work, especially when you’re prone to focusing on the negatives in life, and let’s face it – giving in to the darkness is all too easy! Purposely, I need to consciously put the effort into seeing the beauty around me, the beauty within me.
I’ve been with my (now) Husband for the past 13 years, this year. I can recall spending weekends at his house and NOT ONCE doing a poo until I got back to MY house! I would refuse to have sex in the day time, I wouldn’t let him see me naked, ever! I never wore flesh baring clothing, the shortest pair of shorts I had were knee length; the shortest skirt I owned was knee length .. I wouldn’t wear a bikini and if I did I covered it with an oversized shirt and a pair of male board shorts .. I was so insecure within myself! I NEVER was caught without makeup! I wouldn’t eat, I would starve myself and allow only one day a week where I would eat; and on my eating day, I would binge. I was so insecure. (This did change, I was essentially forced to eat at his house on weekends haha)
I would never jump in photos (this was well before the selfie obsession took over the world!) I don’t have many photos of myself as a preteen or a teen .. I have photos from about 19 onwards – one of my biggest ‘regrets’ in a way.
For years I would dream of my (now) Husband cheating on me, I would always be thinking he was on the lookout for something better; I thought very little of myself. I would go through his phone and try to find evidence of his cheating (he would only ever work and go home), I changed his MSN settings so all his conversations were saved into a secret folder .. I would always point out attractive girls to see how he looked at them in comparison to myself – I would feel jealous and paranoid if we even watched a tv show or movie with an attractive woman in it .. even god damn animated characters would make me feel bad about myself! Absolutely, NO JOKE!!
After a while, the both of us talked and decided we weren’t going to use protection during sex; instead we were going to try for a baby. I fell pregnant (I will NEVER forget his reaction when we took the positive pregnancy test!!) His reaction was thee best .. ‘what does it say? .. My baby is going to have my baby’.
Self esteem during pregnancy took its toll. I HAD to eat every day, otherwise I was sick. I did anything and everything to not put on ‘too’ much weight. (As soon as I delivered our daughter, I went skinner than I was prior to pregnancy, literally as soon as she was out! .. I was stunned and so grateful) I am not sure I would cope being bigger again (there is nothing wrong with it-just how I thought)
Two days before I gave birth to our daughter, I moved into his parents house (where he lived) so it was inevitable having to do a Poo in the house, haha .. I was beginning to get comfortable with having to do a Poo when he was in the same house. I mean, I was going to have to get used to it!
Labour room, my then Boyfriend saw me at my most venerable, I gave birth to his Daughter, he saw everything .. I shat on the table (LOL, Child Birth ain’t Pretty ladies) he saw a baby come out of my Pretty little ladybug. He was amazing in the labour room .. during the entire thing.
I can recall feeling A LOT worse about myself afterwards, I mean, he saw my ladybug stretched and open enough to push a baby out .. I was so much more insecure, thinking he was never going to want to touch me, let alone have sex with me; then the unthinkable happened, during the six week recovery period, he randomly turned to me one day and said ‘fuck, I can’t wait to have sex with you’ .. those words were exactly what I needed to hear. By the end of the sixth week, on the date we had SEX! It was during the day; I let him see me naked after child birth, I began showering with him; I wasn’t self confident, I was just comfortable enough now. After all, anything was better than being in the labour room in THAT state!
We moved into our own home when our daughter was 3 months old, sex was rampant – Day time, Night time – anywhere we wanted, but I wasn’t self confident – I was still thinking he was going to leave me, I still was thinking he was going to cheat on me.
I still thought very little of myself. Not to any fault of his, this was all me. I had ‘conditioned’ myself into thinking I was nothing, I wasn’t worthy of anything let alone happiness.
So, when did this change? I had gone the first 19 years of my life certain that I wasn’t worthy. I lost my job as a Medical Receptionist due to the surgery closing down; I scored a job at a Strip Club as a waitress. Soon; I would become a stripper. This is where my life changed; or rather my perspective on myself.
I didn’t decide to be a stripper because I thought I was good enough, it was purely the money. I love music, I love dancing – this suited me .. I became very good at my job, making great money; my self confidence was growing.
I became a different person. Slowly I began realising I was worthy. I was wanted, desired by more than just my then boyfriend. I wasn’t tempted by anyone else, it just helped me see that I was no where as hideous as I grew up believing. I had something to offer the world. I’ve always known that obtaining self confidence in this industry wasn’t the best thing; but it worked for me. I stayed in the industry for about 5-6 years. I had fun in the industry, met some amazing people.
I am grateful that I decided to go into dancing. It changed my life; it changed my view on myself. I eventually got a breast augmentation (boob job in short) OMG, another life changing decision that changed my life. I got into modelling for Men’s Magazines, got centrefold and front cover, sold images in England and the US and of course Australia – they don’t just put anyone on the front cover or centrefold; but I got it. I even told my photographer that I wasn’t certain the images would sell; but every single shoot did. I didn’t pay to be photographed, but I was paid for my images!
I still have my magazines, ultimate confidence boost. I was seeing myself in another light, I was worthy, I was attractive and I was seeing my self worth.
It got to a stage where I was no longer looking at other women and feeling shitty about myself. I have always been interested in men, however I can also appreciate another woman’s beauty. I love the female body. I would be able to appreciate their beauty, without cutting myself down and absolutely obliterating myself; this was huge. It didn’t happen over night; I think I just began believing what I had been told since I was so young – I don’t know why I couldn’t see or believe it before hand. I wish I knew.
Stripping and being an Men’s Magazine model won’t help everyone; in fact the industry eventually breaks you. I broke a few times. If it weren’t for my supportive Husband; I don’t believe I would be here today. I owe him my life. He not only supported me; he was also a driving force for me to see myself as an independent, strong and worthy woman.
I am grateful that I no longer struggle as badly with my self confidence. I am grateful that my thoughts are mostly under control.
I am worthy of feeling worthy and so are you!
Have you obtained self confidence in an ‘odd’ way? I’d LOVE to hear about it!
Until the next entry xx (HOPING this post doesn’t publish itself in caps!)