Wasnt Always Confident ..


You will have noticed that I have mentioned some of the things that help me feel self confident.

It’s something (somewhat) newly acquired. I wasn’t always self confident, I’ve WORKED damn hard to get to where I am! It’s still something I have to work for (and on) every day. Self love is hard work, especially when you’re prone to focusing on the negatives in life, and let’s face it – giving in to the darkness is all too easy! Purposely, I need to consciously put the effort into seeing the beauty around me, the beauty within me.

I’ve been with my (now) Husband for the past 13 years, this year. I can recall spending weekends at his house and NOT ONCE doing a poo until I got back to MY house! I would refuse to have sex in the day time, I wouldn’t let him see me naked, ever! I never wore flesh baring clothing, the shortest pair of shorts I had were knee length; the shortest skirt I owned was knee length .. I wouldn’t wear a bikini and if I did I covered it with an oversized shirt and a pair of male board shorts .. I was so insecure within myself! I NEVER was caught without makeup! I wouldn’t eat, I would starve myself and allow only one day a week where I would eat; and on my eating day, I would binge. I was so insecure. (This did change, I was essentially forced to eat at his house on weekends haha)

I would never jump in photos (this was well before the selfie obsession took over the world!) I don’t have many photos of myself as a preteen or a teen .. I have photos from about 19 onwards – one of my biggest ‘regrets’ in a way.

For years I would dream of my (now) Husband cheating on me, I would always be thinking he was on the lookout for something better; I thought very little of myself. I would go through his phone and try to find evidence of his cheating (he would only ever work and go home), I changed his MSN settings so all his conversations were saved into a secret folder .. I would always point out attractive girls to see how he looked at them in comparison to myself – I would feel jealous and paranoid if we even watched a tv show or movie with an attractive woman in it .. even god damn animated characters would make me feel bad about myself! Absolutely, NO JOKE!!

After a while, the both of us talked and decided we weren’t going to use protection during sex; instead we were going to try for a baby. I fell pregnant (I will NEVER forget his reaction when we took the positive pregnancy test!!) His reaction was thee best .. ‘what does it say? .. My baby is going to have my baby’.

Self esteem during pregnancy took its toll. I HAD to eat every day, otherwise I was sick. I did anything and everything to not put on ‘too’ much weight. (As soon as I delivered our daughter, I went skinner than I was prior to pregnancy, literally as soon as she was out! .. I was stunned and so grateful) I am not sure I would cope being bigger again (there is nothing wrong with it-just how I thought)

Two days before I gave birth to our daughter, I moved into his parents house (where he lived) so it was inevitable having to do a Poo in the house, haha .. I was beginning to get comfortable with having to do a Poo when he was in the same house. I mean, I was going to have to get used to it!

Labour room, my then Boyfriend saw me at my most venerable, I gave birth to his Daughter, he saw everything .. I shat on the table (LOL, Child Birth ain’t Pretty ladies) he saw a baby come out of my Pretty little ladybug. He was amazing in the labour room .. during the entire thing.

I can recall feeling A LOT worse about myself afterwards, I mean, he saw my ladybug stretched and open enough to push a baby out .. I was so much more insecure, thinking he was never going to want to touch me, let alone have sex with me; then the unthinkable happened, during the six week recovery period, he randomly turned to me one day and said ‘fuck, I can’t wait to have sex with you’ .. those words were exactly what I needed to hear. By the end of the sixth week, on the date we had SEX! It was during the day; I let him see me naked after child birth, I began showering with him; I wasn’t self confident, I was just comfortable enough now. After all, anything was better than being in the labour room in THAT state!

We moved into our own home when our daughter was 3 months old, sex was rampant – Day time, Night time – anywhere we wanted, but I wasn’t self confident – I was still thinking he was going to leave me, I still was thinking he was going to cheat on me.

I still thought very little of myself. Not to any fault of his, this was all me. I had ‘conditioned’ myself into thinking I was nothing, I wasn’t worthy of anything let alone happiness.

So, when did this change? I had gone the first 19 years of my life certain that I wasn’t worthy. I lost my job as a Medical Receptionist due to the surgery closing down; I scored a job at a Strip Club as a waitress. Soon; I would become a stripper. This is where my life changed; or rather my perspective on myself.

I didn’t decide to be a stripper because I thought I was good enough, it was purely the money. I love music, I love dancing – this suited me .. I became very good at my job, making great money; my self confidence was growing.

I became a different person. Slowly I began realising I was worthy. I was wanted, desired by more than just my then boyfriend. I wasn’t tempted by anyone else, it just helped me see that I was no where as hideous as I grew up believing. I had something to offer the world. I’ve always known that obtaining self confidence in this industry wasn’t the best thing; but it worked for me. I stayed in the industry for about 5-6 years. I had fun in the industry, met some amazing people.

I am grateful that I decided to go into dancing. It changed my life; it changed my view on myself. I eventually got a breast augmentation (boob job in short) OMG, another life changing decision that changed my life. I got into modelling for Men’s Magazines, got centrefold and front cover, sold images in England and the US and of course Australia – they don’t just put anyone on the front cover or centrefold; but I got it. I even told my photographer that I wasn’t certain the images would sell; but every single shoot did. I didn’t pay to be photographed, but I was paid for my images!

I still have my magazines, ultimate confidence boost. I was seeing myself in another light, I was worthy, I was attractive and I was seeing my self worth.

It got to a stage where I was no longer looking at other women and feeling shitty about myself. I have always been interested in men, however I can also appreciate another woman’s beauty. I love the female body. I would be able to appreciate their beauty, without cutting myself down and absolutely obliterating myself; this was huge. It didn’t happen over night; I think I just began believing what I had been told since I was so young – I don’t know why I couldn’t see or believe it before hand. I wish I knew.

Stripping and being an Men’s Magazine model won’t help everyone; in fact the industry eventually breaks you. I broke a few times. If it weren’t for my supportive Husband; I don’t believe I would be here today. I owe him my life. He not only supported me; he was also a driving force for me to see myself as an independent, strong and worthy woman.

I am grateful that I no longer struggle as badly with my self confidence. I am grateful that my thoughts are mostly under control.

I am worthy of feeling worthy and so are you!

Have you obtained self confidence in an ‘odd’ way? I’d LOVE to hear about it!

Pinterest – https://pin.it/mdjfzpnx7yw3vo

Until the next entry xx (HOPING this post doesn’t publish itself in caps!)


#SNOBFACETIP .. ‘cannotbebothered’ days

Let’s face it, some days we don’t want to get out of bed, but we do and it’s no biggie, right .. I feel like it’s human nature, to wake up and be all like, ‘..just 5 more minutes, I need this more than anything’😆 before carrying on with your day.

But then there are those mornings when you physically struggle – you’re simply unable to keep your pretty eyes open – let alone actually stay awake and then having to actually drag that arse of yours out of bed! ..😅 These are generally the mornings my eyes go ‘cooky’, if I’m trying to look at my phone, or even try to keep them open, my eyes go weird and I cannot focus without closing one or both eyes; I fall in and out of sleep without meaning to, I’m just so tired .. painfully tired, I don’t wanna get up .. I can’t get up LOL my eyelids are too heavy. This usually leads to a shitty day!!!

This is what I refer to as my ‘cannot be bothered’ days.

These ‘cannot be bothered’ mornings are where I typically find myself skipping my Skin Care routine; These are the mornings we’re I’m flat out brushing my teeth – therefore, also less likely to apply Make Up, or properly brush my hair before leaving the house; It honestly comes down to a lack of physical motivation; Not cleaning my skin, applying make up or brushing my hair makes me feel .. unpretty (calm your farm, I know it ain’t a word), I just feel low though, I feel bad, inferior even. I feel uninspired, it’s hard to describe – I just don’t feel confident, I’m just being honest ✋🏽 I have to leave my house and go to work, I have things to do (like most of you) so these ‘cannot be bothered’ days, cannot be ignored, they must be conquered; It doesn’t stop at just not being able to get out of bed or washing your face, it also puts you in a BAD mood for the day!

As I know I’m not the only one who suffers with this problemo, I’m going to share a handy-dandy TIP with you. One that works for me more often than not. Right now, I’m focusing on Self Love and Self Care; so for me it’s important that I do something to at least try make myself feel better. Let’s be honest, no one WANTS to feel like absolute CRAP for one day, let alone indefinitely! We deserve to feel Confident, happy and content, especially with ourselves.

My SOLUTION is something that not only helps me to physically feel GOOD about myself, but also something to give the illusion that I have indeed, made an effort, too. (This won’t break the bank either, you no doubt already have these) **BONUS**


On my ‘can’t be bothered’ days, (unless physically sick) The one thing I can count on to boost my self confidence, is adding some colour to my lips and applying some mascara. That’s it. Mood drastically changed. Instantly that bold lip and defined eye gives me a boost of much needed confidence.

It doesn’t mask my need for sleep, however I do feel alive as opposed to blah. I feel more prepared for the day.👄 A bit of colour goes a long way, Ladies! A lip colour and defined eye can be powerful. It helps me walk with my head held high, it helps me in many ways.


The company I’ve been partnered with for just over a year now, have recently released an innovative, ultra long lasting lip colour, called POWERLIPS Fluid. Full of so many goodies and nothing harsh, you’re essentially treating yourself while using!

I purchased the shade ‘Confidence’ on launch day and fell in love! Since using this lip colour, I’ve not used anything else since! (👋🏽Goodbye Kylie and lip sense – I’ve found better!) I love the texture, it goes on smooth and in one step, it’s a thick and creamy consistency. The smell is delicious, stays on nicely for a whole day and the best part: Cleans off easily with my cleansing water. I especially love how wearing the POWERLIPS Fluid, my lips are still hydrated and soft afterwards. Something that’s rare with other lip brands, usually my lips are dry and cracked afterwards, I always had to bathe my lips on Paw Paw cream after wearing Kylie and Lip Sense.😅 Their colours are all pretty cool too though, won’t lie.

Luckily, I’ve since bought the 8 pack of lip colours, I’ve already retired my old shades in other brands and sticking with the POWERLIPS Fluid .. until I find a better product haha 🙏🏽 I’m grateful for relaunches though – especially when you scored the shades you thought were never going to be released again; which reminds me how I hate when companies say or imply a specific shade won’t be available after a certain time .. but then they are? That irritates me! It comes off as dishonest to me. I’m going to email, perhaps I misunderstood something, dunno. (Calm down, rants another time, SNOBFACE haha)

Going back to my my number one MUST DO when our ‘cannot be bothered’ days creep up.. Always have time to put on some lip colour and mascara ! Even if it helps your mood by smidge! If you’re feeling uninspired or need a boost at any time throughout the day, go and apply some colour! Let it change your mood, uplift yourself. Why punish yourself into feeling badly all day?

TRUST ME when I tell you, you’ll look a lot more put together and will feel physically better for it too! BONUS SNOBFACE TIP✨ those sassy, messy buns give me LIFE on the ‘cannot be bothered’ days!



Wearing Reign

.. Sabotage maybe?

I have no idea what’s going on! 🤦🏼‍♀️

My last post has me utterly confused, as (Hair Brush VS Comb) it’s in CAPS. I have NO idea how to change it, I’ve tried editing a few times but it’s still showing in caps😫👎🏽 (I’m currently on my iPhone.)

This is what appears to be published.

The weird part is the factthat it’s not in capswhen I edit🤷🏼‍♀️. I’m 100% mind fucked at thisstage. What’s its problem?

My edit screen, I have c&p onto another doc and transferred back and reposted but nothing came of it.

Please know, I’m not screaming at you in the posts full of caps, I promise! 😅👍🏽 It’s rather frustrating that it’s displaying something other than what I’d like.

Ive had someone suggest via Facebook not to post in all caps, (this has happened before, a little while ago) I agree, it’s not done on purpose – I just wanted to bring that to your attention! 😃 It’s an error.

I might even jump on my laptop tomorrow and have a play, I’d really like to fix these posts that are in CAPS!👩🏼‍💻 Anyway .. I’m off to bed.

Nigh Night x